Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Occupations
The Butler
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.
"Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed.
"Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.
She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
What were you thinking?
18 bottles of Whiskey...
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. Im not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. Im not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Iron this..
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "Im too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. Hes gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
Sperm Bottle
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "Whats the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still cant get the lid off the bloody bottle."
Lawyers
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Help
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." |
'Bambi'
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their c0cktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Restaurant
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
1 year , 1 wish
There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say f*ck him, he's in there for a year.
A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"
Dog for the Blind
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." |
Finding Wife
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Drinking
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Lost Ball
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" |
Importance of a name
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
Name?
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He says, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself." He says, "Why Carmen?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beerpussy." |
Farmhouse
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"
MESSING WITH SHEIK'S WOMEN
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a cop," said the first man. "Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" |
SINCILATING WIN OVER PAKISTAN-DREAM COME TRUE MOMENT FOR INDIA
i told in my previous posts that the match against india and australia which is a T20 semi finals was the most exciting game ever played.but i had with draw my words.because today the match against the indian lions and pakistanies was a far more better match when compared to that of semi finals against the aussies.
from the first it was not going on the way for the indians.yuvraj didnt fire.captai M.S.dhoni too didnt get a good start.at one stage only gambir was holding his nerves.but he too got out for 75.finally india managed a descent score of 157 in 20 overs.
then the pakistan started to bat.R.P.sing bowled superb and took 3 important wickets.there was wickets in regular intervals.still misbha ul haq was batting very well.at one stage it was 59 runs from 36 balls.i thought its all over because already afridi,shoaib malik,imran nazir,kamran akmal was out.but the over bowled by harbhajan singh turned the match towards pakistan.because misbha ul haq hit 3 sixes in his over.suddenly it gave an impression that pakistan is going to winthe world cup.
but then came the rescue wicket from r.p.singh who took the wicket of hard hitter yasir arafat.then it was 2 overs 20 runs and 2wickets to fall.our quick fire sreesanth took sohail tanvir's wicket who hit two sixes in that same over.the last over was bowled by joginder sharma.at that time it was 12 runs from 6 balls.misbha ul haq hit a big six.me and my friends thought it was curtains for india but joginder didnt leave india to that situation.he took misbha ul haq's wicket .sree santh took his catch and the match was over.the world cup is now coming home to india.
it was not sehwag,it was not yuvraj,it was not dhoni or harbhajan.its all GAUTAM GAMBIR's batting and R.P.SINGH's and I.PATHAN's bowling which took india home.
man of the match-I.PATHAN
man of the series-S.AFRIDI for his 12 wickets and a bit of runs
thats how the match between india and pakistan went.it was high drama out there in the middle.
